Fall rose...

...perhaps I should look to something as simple as you to guide me. Despite torrential summer rains that drowned the fragile seed corn, earth cracking drought and wind that left some grasses brown and bent, and the ever present ravaging of Japanese beetles, you continue to persevere in a wondrous way that never ceases to astound me. Even when Winter drives you to a snow covered sleep, you come back in the spring with no grudges and no remorse. You just do what you do.

Thank you, my friends who noticed my stirring. I am startled, and humbled. For now I think I will pause and ponder the demonstrative advice of this one... fall rose.

I am off to the 18th century this weekend, to paint and play and watch the sand hill cranes dance among glacial kames .... and that is always a good place to think.

New or Re-newed?

A whole lot has gone on since I posted here last and I don't feel like I am the same person as I was. As a result, I wonder if I should jumpstart this blog and resume my blithering here or if I should go elsewhere and create a new, more accurate manefestation of my former self.
If I do that, should I stand forward and take off my veil - and be revealed? If what I have to say is worthy of saying to the larger audience, then perhaps I should have the where-with-all to stand behind my blog.
Or maybe I should just roll over and go back to sleep....perchance to dream...

My life is in shuffle mode

Random. This is how screen savers pull images from my past that are tucked benignly in my pictures folder and slides, fades, and eases them across my vision. It is also how tunes vie for one of my audio teats in a world desensitized from excessive din.

Random. This is how my life's events are emerging in a shuffle pattern that is almost impossible to predict. Good, bad, good, good, good, bad, bad, and on it goes like a surreal binary code.

Random. Title change at work after being told it wouldn't happen, and it pleasantly reflects my degree efforts. It's too bad it didn't come with the other perks and money that it should have. My home computer power supply fried, taking the motherboard and leaving me with toast without orange marmalade. A sudden snowstorm canceled work Friday. My amaryllis is in full bloom with huge, 8" scarlet blossoms. I am cooking Easter dinner tomorrow for 24 people and I haven't finished cleaning my house. The coons have left the chimney just in time for company coming. I didn't hear back from my application to the library in the Southwest so I guess I wasn't what they were after. I have a loving cat on my lap. I have a splitting headache that may be a result of either tension (see dinner above) or a combination of numerous stresses - bad binary code.

Life is sure odd, isn't it? I can't predict or explain or even plan for any of the things that are continually happening. I always feel like I am just ducking and dodging and trying to stay on my feet while the events of my life are just ... in shuffle mode.

Random. So why try and get prepared when it is just random. You can't possibly hit it right. Odds are just random.

So, where do I go from here?

Self evaluation. I notice that it kicks in naturally when I finish any substantial phase of my life. It's a natural retool for me. Somehow nothing else matters while I am head down, hard at it with a project, until I finish. Especially when the task is something energy sucking like this degree has been over the last two years. And it is funny in a sad sort of way, that I am evaluating every bean counting bit of my life and deciding what I want to do now.

I can tell that I am on a precipice. I have been here before and it is unsettling, because I know what it means. I have no warning prior to finding myself here but I should expect that my path always leads me here after each foray. It will wind up being a good thing for me, just hard on those around me. Believe me, it will be all about me - me at my egotistical best.

What? No, I am in no danger really. It is the rest of my life that is in danger. You are in danger. What I mean by that is it is time for an overhaul. The danger to you is when I undergo a cleanup and redirect like this it means that I will strip away any person, activity, object, or commitment that I deem unworthy of my time, energy, or affection. Period. The whole process will no doubt include activities as simple as dragging material goods to a local thrift center. It will most assuredly also include suddenly discontinuing friendships where I believe that I am not being appreciated, walking away from social circles where I feel I am wasting my time, shutting down projects that I cannot justify the expenditing of energy such as this blog, and even relocating to another part of the country. Timing is unpredictable. It may be in the next few weeks or months or up to a year. If I don't get the chance to warn or explain, sorry.....

All drama has ceased.

I did not die. I finished. I am also several hours away from going shopping in the world of crazies because the recent craziness (aforementioned but now finished) has kept me from doing anything earlier. There is no more time to avoid the zoo - I must go forth. I do, however, have no obligations that are hanging over me except for watching mindless movies until I am satiated. Then...paint?...knit?...go for a walk?...I care not...
Have a merry Christmas. Hug someone important to you and tell them you love them.

If I die will my husband get my diploma?

I have one week to...

• write a grant that is 40% of my grade in one class - I am barely started.
• read and write synopsis on 30 more children's books for the second.
• complete a presentation for that class with board, books, bells and whistles like planned activities and references to st standards.
• complete a culmination progress report on a spec collection project that is h.u.g.e for the third class.
• oh and then there is work- write a report for bullet lady and spend first half of budget.
• and home - transform my 2 year neglected studio (turned storeroom) into a warm, inviting guest room for my Dad for the holidays - complete with paint and lighting.
• clean my home?

I believe that I am actually frightened . . .

Life is just odd sometimes

The bad part about not writing often is that I walk past huge boulders of life - milestones I suppose - and can't really remember them now... to relay here... because even if I look over my shoulder I can't see them anymore... because the clutter of undergrowth...and I have to keep looking forward or I will trip...again.

Besides, I have so D#mn*d!! much useless report writing to do for werk that this sometimes feels like just another report.

Although maybe better because I don't need to 'flesh it out' or 'use the proper tone and voice', so here I am reporting in (in telegraph talk because that pleases ME):

• Pratfall update-one week later. yesterday cast off. stitches out. applauded by Dr for really strong bones. he cancelled bone density test. yea calcium pills. radiology report said elbow impact should have shattered ulna. therapy exercises to regain full range of motion. little bruise color because bled excessively. painful tingling felt in hand is smashed nerves recovering from elbow down. I can do my own bra and hair, tho painful. yeah. working late tonight to start catching up. eating sweetcorn and typing my paper due this weekend is now a possibility. pain be damned, bring it on!
• Going to make myself a t-shirt that says "yes I am adversarial and it's your fault!"
• I am slowly joining the band. first spoons at a mini gig. spoons and tambourine at a bigger gig. now singing a duet with my bass player at practice. wonder if I can really do the stage thing?
• looking at job postings daily now. can't really react til fall. hate to move. hate to leave friends and family. love my house. love my gardens more. fresh start is really appealing. real money is really appealing. being somewhere where I am appreciated for how incredible I actually am is really appealing. What? is that a glimmer of ego showing???
• better get back to work. because yes, I am on company time. but...gave you more than 40 last week. gave you more than 40 last week. gave you more than 40 last week. gave you more than 40 last week. go to hell.

The peace that comes from resolve

I haven't written for a while. Sorry . . . I guess.
Life went on though, didn't it?

I considered shutting this down. After all, it doesn't make a lot of sense that this is just a little pink diary without a key. I don't have anything profound to offer. I don't evaluate any business. I don't profess to teach you anything. I have no wondrous event forthcoming like the birth of a child, the start of a business, or a move to parts unknown. I have no great following who wait for pearls from my paper lips.
What goes on here is nothing. . . whistling in the dark.

For what it's worth . . .

• I am still employed.
  
• I have not moved.


• The boss left.


• My work load has intensified once again.


• I now report to the person who attacked me in March.


• She hates the term bullets and so I must submit my issues in dot point lists prior to our staff meetings.


• I am taking 2 classes this summer and 3 this fall.


• Pending survival, I will be pedigreed in December.


• I have not been able to make art for over a year.


• My health is beginning to stumble.


• I just added job searching feeds to my daily serve.


• I ran away to New Mexico and Colorado for a week after classes ended and couldn't understand why I broke down and cried the night before my flight home.

Say a prayer for me, if you're so inclined.