Irrational but real

I cannot remember when the feeling has been this acute. I wonder...

• Barometric pressure. . .
• preservatives in my food. . .
• multiple page 'to-do' list . . .
• let down from a good weekend. . .
• the calendar. . .

I have no clue as to which of the above list, if any or all, are responsible. Logic tells me that it is fruitless to try and assign blame. Logic also tells me that it is completely irrational and will pass like a viral episode. But it is very real, nonetheless. My emotions are throwing up and my intellect has a fever.

I cannot remember the last time that I felt this ignorant, fat, incompetent, worthless, hopeless, insecure, ugly, and unredeemable. If I weren't so against the concept I would just pick up my toys and go home.

Go figure.

Mulling it over

I suppose that there is an unwritten rule about writing with some regularity when you have a blog. If there is, rest assured that I will continue to break it. Living life as hard as I can is my typical behavior. No. I don't sky dive or wear cashmere on the streets of the 'City' after midnight. I just go at life like my life depended on it...Because it does.

I didn't learn to squint at the sun until I was 20. That has left me with bad eyes and a fierceness of attitude that can be too intense for some. Somehow I felt that looking away was like showing a sign of weakness. I rarely look away from anything, even now. Unfortunately, few know that I am actually shy and hypersensitive and more often than not, make the mis-assumption that I am cold hearted and egotistical. This last weekend, however, I was able to be more at ease - more myself - than I usually can be. I went to a family reunion.

My kind. That is a generalization that really means little in today's mush.together.and.toss.aside mind set. . . but in this instance, it applies. To be among a clan of people who span in age from 6 months to 105 1/2 years and vary in ethnicities from French to Chinese to Japanese to Native American to German to Irish and several other unknown backgrounds due to trackless adoptions. Elbow to elbow, there were more brilliant minds that ordinarily found in one 'dining hall' and talents that could all hold up under the strictest scrutiny. I could be myself. I had no other recourse because with this crew, no facade will stand up. How very liberating that can be!

This week, I am back to work and racing to play catch-up. But my mind is still mulling it all over.