Emotional stamina

I am just not sure. I am not sure if I have the emotional stamina OR the physical stamina to play. I have spent my entire life standing on the optimistic side of the fence-to a fault; trying to be forgiving of both people and situations-to a fault; and trying to work harder, care more, and give more freely to make up for all of those who don't. This is getting harder to do.

Yesterday's meeting was really no greater a disaster than usual. It was an unfortunate confirmation that I was right and this whole thing is really as depressing as I thought it was. The players - the good, the bad, and the ugly of them - are the same as I have seen over and over all of my life. It doesn't matter what field I work in, the positions and percents are the same. I used to be idealistic enough to enjoy the challenge of fixing it. I am a fixer by nature. I want to make things right in my sphere and all concentric circles going out, believing that I can, indeed, make a difference in the world. Maybe I was wrong.

I just posted a comment on a friend's site and rereading it made me shiver with a chill in my core.

I have had numb lips quite often over the last month and I find it a little frightening (and disappointing) that it is rarely alcohol induced. I think that I am so completely in 'flight or fight' mode that I am not breathing deeply enough--pretty consistently. Somehow I must subconsciously think that if I hold perfectly still, hold my breath, and stare at a fixed spot, I will not either implode or explode. At least I stopped shaking during my drive home. I took today off and I have no plan for the day other than putting a sliver of space between me and a stroke...perhaps finding a comfort food lunch somewhere and coloring my hair red.

Am I giving up? Should I, for my own health?

I find myself evaluating everything I am doing right now. Should I even be getting a degree in library science? I am only halfway through and I am becoming so disillusioned by the behaviors I see 'out there' and on my 'home front' that I have limited positive comparables. I only see a few, select, really good people who are being hurt by the takers - who are holding on - and I worry about letting them down.

I am just not sure. I am not sure if I have the emotional stamina OR the physical stamina to play.

Crest of another hill.

Yesterday was a good day and today is holding the same tenor. I slept late, spoke to a friend for an hour on the phone, lingered in my big-tee till noon and finished the cardigan I have been tinkering with for 6 months. Sweet.

I won a voucher for 50 off of a plane ticket from our local airport, to be used by next February. That will be easy. I fully intend to sneak down to Florida to see my Grandmother in January before school resumes after Christmas break again. I did it last year and it was a good way to steel myself for the semester and get a matriarchal hug! She came up here to the Midwest for the family reunion in July but I don't see enough of her. She's going to be 106 in December...But at least we can email back and forth. She is phenomenal.

I also just went online and checked my grades. Summer classes just finished for me and I managed a good outcome. Somehow seeing a grade is the validation that I always seem to crave for what ever I do. I rarely botch anything (within reason) but still look to others for the affirming nod. That validating process makes me happy and angry and embarrassed - all at the same time. I should not have to have somebody tell me if it is well done. Ah, but I am doubtful that I will suddenly become self assured at this age.

I really really enjoyed spending the morning relaxing at home. This is the first Saturday in too long that I haven't been in my office at work, trying to stay up with my assignments and feeling absolutely sorry for myself. I liked being home! Few things could pry me out of that haven. But my sweetheart is knee deep in orientation activities at school and if I want to spend a little time with him I follow. So here I am at school on a Saturday afternoon anyway - at his computer in his office - trying to slip in a tardy post while I wait for the next event on the schedule. He will be busy for a bit and then I will join him for dinner. I am able to speak to being an alum as well as being on staff...and I get to stare at a very handsome man who also wishes he were home...and make him smile.

Over the last several weeks I have wrestled with an opinion stream rushing through my mind about several work related aspects in my life, promising to post them the first chance I got. Then today I finally have the moment. Now is when I should fulfill those great visions - the launching of a diatribe about all of the political quagmires that I find myself wading through at present, shredding the idiots involved with a venomous keyboard. Exposing the corruption, routing the selfserving, defending the realm.

But right about now I am washed with a calm from a separate, strong place within me.
I think of the words of the Desiderata. My parents. My God. My heart.
I am enjoying the belief that it will work out all right for me.
Incompetent people are often exposed and injustices are often remedied. I may not always be witness to the conclusion but I don't need to be. That is part of what faith is.
All I have to do it stand true to my self--my reality- my truth, my ethics, my integrity, my values. All of the strife that others try to manufacture --I can choose not to embrace---not to make it part of my life.

Whatever happens in this life. I know that I will be just fine.